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Has there ever been a time in your life when you have supressed Awakening?
I am putting this in Hybrids because it really deals with inter-species relationships. Well, all non-human kin really. When you were awakening was there ever a time when you backed off from what was happening to you for some reason? If so if you are willing to say so, what was that reason?
I am about to get dead serious with you all, and honest. I know people have been begging others to talk about this kind of stuff, and right now I am feeling quite bold, so please bear with me.
I supressed mine for a full decade and a half. The first time I stepped into the astral was incredibly scary for me, and accompanied with a very frightening vision. Nobody around me could explain what was going on, not even my magck using friends other than to say that I was destined to be a very powerful person. They literally couldn't help me, and had no idea what to do about it. Besides what I do is outside of the knowledge of practiced magick. I say, and this is true, I am not a witch. I never have been. Witches have to rely on potions and powders, incantations and illusions, but not so much with me.
I knew that I could not talk to the clergy either or be mistaken for being demon possesssed. The wouldn't like to hear about my gifts or the gifts of my family. my parents have long ago mostly given up on any gifts they had except for very minor and innocuous ones like aural sight, and were already mostly convinced that here was something strange about me.. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Worse, I came to the conclusion that I would be denied grace for these things, that if I was to be denied humanity, I was not to be extended the grace that comes as a privelidge.
But fifteen years of supression took its toll on my body and mind. I made myself wilfully naiive, I became withdrawn and soft spoken, afraid of the world, depressed, and I began to make myself ill. I stopped meditating and fasting, content to hide my spiritual needs in material pleasurees. I sufferd hard, and tried so hard to be normal. . .
but it did not work. I began acting as a vampire, psi feeding, at first instintually, and then with intent. I literally began this draw to keep up my prison. It bcame a necessity bnecause of the toll it was exacting upon my own native forces. I slowly saw the draining away of my strength and my gifts, a faltering of powers that I had naturally from childhood.
So, I could take no more. I realized that i would never succeed in being mundane. in the end it brought me to the bronze vault doors in my mid that i had used to deal with myself years before. It took a lot of energy. I mean a lot of energy. I said this in another post but here I can elaborate. Finally, after preparations to do this and a full night in meditation I got those doors cracked open. these were huge things in my mind, on the scale of,oh, like the gates to a giant's burial vault. Bronze darkened and cold. I am not comfortable saying what I found on the other side. Suffice it to say that my nature was dying, buried and suffocating there under layers of spiritual detritus stacked like layers of peat in a bog.
I knew that my choices were grim. I was forced to either accept my full self, or face living spiritually half alive for the rest of my life. I knew also that the rest of my half life would be short if I chose that path, powerless, defenseless, but finally mostly mundane. the problem I knew well was that in the first part, since I was already well into the side of the preternatural, I would not be left well alone. On the second, I would not ever erase my memories of having the gifts that were part of my birthright and my soulright. Third, I was not sure that I would be able to exist as half a person. I would have gaping spiritual holes that were only going to require more and more energy to repair or patch, and likely, raher than mundane I would have had to commit myself to being a true vampire. That was unapealling to me because I would not be gaining powers or becoming stronger as a vampire, I would only be sustaining my existence whiile I slowly rotted away, spiritually speaking.
So I chose to undo the supressions and blocks in my mind. The first week was the worst. I ran a high fever, sweats, It was like having the flu combined with PMDD. Everything hurt. Even my hair follicles hurt. I was irritable, and I varied between being unable to eat and being ravenously hungry for food, prana, blood, just anything!. And i was weak all day and so aware of everryihing that i could not sleep at night. This was a full week before my body settled down after that initiall opening. But it will no longer close, that bronze door. I jammed it open, began draining the wound, began working on aligning my fucked up chackras for once in a very long time. Actually, got out to the level where I could actually work them back.
And I am glad to say that I am feeling better for it. Anyways. Testimonial over.
I am about to get dead serious with you all, and honest. I know people have been begging others to talk about this kind of stuff, and right now I am feeling quite bold, so please bear with me.
I supressed mine for a full decade and a half. The first time I stepped into the astral was incredibly scary for me, and accompanied with a very frightening vision. Nobody around me could explain what was going on, not even my magck using friends other than to say that I was destined to be a very powerful person. They literally couldn't help me, and had no idea what to do about it. Besides what I do is outside of the knowledge of practiced magick. I say, and this is true, I am not a witch. I never have been. Witches have to rely on potions and powders, incantations and illusions, but not so much with me.
I knew that I could not talk to the clergy either or be mistaken for being demon possesssed. The wouldn't like to hear about my gifts or the gifts of my family. my parents have long ago mostly given up on any gifts they had except for very minor and innocuous ones like aural sight, and were already mostly convinced that here was something strange about me.. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Worse, I came to the conclusion that I would be denied grace for these things, that if I was to be denied humanity, I was not to be extended the grace that comes as a privelidge.
But fifteen years of supression took its toll on my body and mind. I made myself wilfully naiive, I became withdrawn and soft spoken, afraid of the world, depressed, and I began to make myself ill. I stopped meditating and fasting, content to hide my spiritual needs in material pleasurees. I sufferd hard, and tried so hard to be normal. . .
but it did not work. I began acting as a vampire, psi feeding, at first instintually, and then with intent. I literally began this draw to keep up my prison. It bcame a necessity bnecause of the toll it was exacting upon my own native forces. I slowly saw the draining away of my strength and my gifts, a faltering of powers that I had naturally from childhood.
So, I could take no more. I realized that i would never succeed in being mundane. in the end it brought me to the bronze vault doors in my mid that i had used to deal with myself years before. It took a lot of energy. I mean a lot of energy. I said this in another post but here I can elaborate. Finally, after preparations to do this and a full night in meditation I got those doors cracked open. these were huge things in my mind, on the scale of,oh, like the gates to a giant's burial vault. Bronze darkened and cold. I am not comfortable saying what I found on the other side. Suffice it to say that my nature was dying, buried and suffocating there under layers of spiritual detritus stacked like layers of peat in a bog.
I knew that my choices were grim. I was forced to either accept my full self, or face living spiritually half alive for the rest of my life. I knew also that the rest of my half life would be short if I chose that path, powerless, defenseless, but finally mostly mundane. the problem I knew well was that in the first part, since I was already well into the side of the preternatural, I would not be left well alone. On the second, I would not ever erase my memories of having the gifts that were part of my birthright and my soulright. Third, I was not sure that I would be able to exist as half a person. I would have gaping spiritual holes that were only going to require more and more energy to repair or patch, and likely, raher than mundane I would have had to commit myself to being a true vampire. That was unapealling to me because I would not be gaining powers or becoming stronger as a vampire, I would only be sustaining my existence whiile I slowly rotted away, spiritually speaking.
So I chose to undo the supressions and blocks in my mind. The first week was the worst. I ran a high fever, sweats, It was like having the flu combined with PMDD. Everything hurt. Even my hair follicles hurt. I was irritable, and I varied between being unable to eat and being ravenously hungry for food, prana, blood, just anything!. And i was weak all day and so aware of everryihing that i could not sleep at night. This was a full week before my body settled down after that initiall opening. But it will no longer close, that bronze door. I jammed it open, began draining the wound, began working on aligning my fucked up chackras for once in a very long time. Actually, got out to the level where I could actually work them back.
And I am glad to say that I am feeling better for it. Anyways. Testimonial over.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on -
you are my hero. seriously. i guess i technically started my awakening before i was officially in my teens. around 12 i think. thats when i started developing an interest in witchcraft. i'd always had interest in the unexplained and different, particularly i've always been drawn to the dragon (wolves too actually...im still trying to figure out where they fit). when i was maybe 13 or 14 i was talking to my aunt about my new interest in witchcraft. she sat me down and had a long talk with me about how craft is this awful bad thing and how i should stop "dabbling" immediately. she then told me how her mother had died. her mother was a practising witch and got caught up in the darkside of the craft. she ended up lighting herself and her home on fire, and died. so i was very very afraid to practise anymore. even though there were still small things i would do here and there. i suppressed it all through high school, up until i was 20 years old i think...thats when my guide became a very loud presence in my mind. i was noticing that every time i had a severe emotional response to something...the weather would change. instantly. i began trusting my instincts. i began accepting myself for what i was and started my search for answers. i identified as a witch for a few years until i came here and got help from others. but not before i had a severe mental breakdown. the depression was terrible. it drained everything out of me. it took months to get back on track. but after learning more about myself and acknowledging that i was "different" and finding my answers...im feeling more balanced and in control than i ever have in my life. i have yet to break down my big doors in my mind...but you definitely give me the courage to try...thank you SPyke for writing everything and making it available to everyone.
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Permalink Reply by Lamenting Angel on
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Can you go more into how you got the doors open please? and thank you for sharing this it was very brave of you.
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Permalink Reply by SPyke on -
I am not totally sure I can. The hard reason being that i can tell you that I have been to a place, and I have done something, but it is not quite in my abitity or purpose to actually teach it. My concern is that I would say something that would lead you off of your own path. I think I can tell you how I managed, but I am now completely versed into the why of its workings
there is some deep truth to the concept of "doors" to the mind. It was explored by carl Jung and also well known by those who interpret dreams, especially of the "up into the attic or down to the basement" type, but this is slightly more. . .well, tangible.
The mind and soul pretty well work together while a person is alive. When they do not, there are always, always problems. So I will use the word "mind" to describe the state of being. Everything begins with meditation. that's the first step for every endeavor like this. Sometimes for really big stuff your also have to fast and cleanse yourself. I think I read once that it is a lot about your soul trusting your body enough to step out for awhile.
Anyways. metaphysic philosophy aside, basically, I got myself into a place where I could look at myself. i don't know if anyone else has seen it this way, but judging from the fact that I have seen writing about it, it is likely to be common for people that have gotten to this place. It kind of looks like a labrynth of doors. SOme are locked, some are open, some are very big. I have not seen any yet that are too small for me to pass through, though. Some are wood looking, or bronze, or lead, or gold, or stone of various kinds. SOmetimes, there are doors behind doors, or stairs, or pits, but never a skylight. What the doors are made of is a hint as to their content. there is always light, but not light in th corridors. That is, There is never torches or ways to see, or light sources, and the walls are like pitch but you can see anyways. If you are not meant to see, your vision is warped instead, as if you had myopia or astygmatism.
I think that some of these doors are placed by others, and maybe some are the ways to open to other people but about 80% of them are your own constructions for your own stuff. But the big door I had to face was bronze. There was part of me behind it, and a lot of other stuff that I had swept in there. Bronze is a really daunting metal to deal with. It is to imprison unto death those things that must be contained and monitored, but are not foreign to yourself. Bronze is also a metal of the tombs,The doors to a guarded seplucre. hte sick thing is that Those things behind it are not necessarily dead to you, you just wish they were so much that you made the prison for them. Oh sure, if yo leave whatever it is back there, eventually it will die, but it takes a really strong and hard will to ignore its cries until it happens. It's not like lead which would contain foreign entities, and there are no iron doors that I have found. I know that's really odd considering all things. i don't really understand it yet.
But I found myself forced to consider that door. To answer your question, the "How" is the same way as any door in the real world. If it is open, pass through. if it is closed, open it. If it is locked, unlock it. If it is bolted, undo it, if it wont be unbolted, break it. If it is stuck shut, if it is impossible to peacefully get in, and you absolutely must, without a doubt enter in. . .You have to take drastic measures. you have to scream at it, order it, and kick at it and pound on it, pull on it. and eventually it has to give way. That is one thing that is different about the real world, versus that labrynth. YOu have nothing with you, and you have no tools except your own body, such as it is. there is a sense of warning that those who try to bring anything or ask help of anything come to no good end. Anything behind the doors can only influence as far as the door itself. Anything you bring out influences you in the real world, not the world of doors.
That's pretty much all I can say about the how.
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Thank you SPyke, I will think about this and do more research....I am happy you are doing better and have excepted who you are.
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Permalink Reply by Cinderella♥'s_Blood on -
I am confused on what exactly you're asking.
I have a question, if you pertain almost all of the signs of awakening could you be in so much denial that you do not realize it and force yourself to behave in a human manner?
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Permalink Reply by SPyke on
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basically, I am asking if anyone besides myself has ever found occasion to try to stop one's self from awakening, and the reasons and ramifications therof.
and yeah, denial is really hard like that, but in the end, truth will out, as they say.
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Permalink Reply by Sarah on
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i still try and purposely stop myself. i tell myself all the time that im just having paranoid delusions and that im perfectly fine and normal. no...its not helping...actually i think im probably making things worse. i do it because im scared of what will happen to me when everything is said and done. my soul has been awakening for a while, but only since june of this year has my body been changing. im very scared at a lot of the things that are going on in my life. i've been hunted. and watched. i have things lurking around my home. i've been told what that could possibly be...but im in denial because the idea seems so incredibly far fetched. even for me. yes. to make a long story short...yes i purposely try and suppress my awakening. because im very scared.
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