kill me now, while it still hurts

why does this room feel so empty?
and why are the doors so black?
why is there a feeling called envy
written on people's faces all the time?

why is my hand reaching for something
when my brain's screaming no?
why do i suddenly feel a sharp pain on the back of my hand?
oh no! now i've meesed up the floor!
now mom will be angry, because i keep locking my door.

damn it! now the other hand won't listen!
it's opening a drawer...
grabbing the kitchen knife..and..and
Oh no!

blood is pouring down my shirt
down my sleeves, down my hands
there's almost a pool around me when my cheek touches the dirt
all of a sudden..i'm in a garden
full of flowers and sunshines
but when i look more closely..
why are the lights so bright?
i close my eyes and i see people standing around me
i'm in a hospital and there are tubes hanging from me.

shit. now i remembered.
how stupid was it of me to think that i was going to heaven?