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A/N heyy guys read this and the Original (both found on my page) and tell me which is better and can you also give me ideas for the title.
Thanks Thorn.
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I walked down the long haul a ceiling fan spinning above my head as I pass through a pair of double doors I turn to my left and am faced with a grey door which mesh covered window shows me nothing other than the room is dark with a small glow coming from a lamp on a desk. I turn the round golden handle on the door as I enter I notice a girl she lies on a grey hard slab a thin white sheet covers her its then that I notice the old man who stands in the corner his thick rimmed glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose, as he walks towards the girl I notice that he limps on his right l**. His shaking wrinkly hands draw back the sheet uncovering her face, he rests the sheet just under her shoulders the girl was absolutely beautiful her shoulder length straight black hair laid fanned out behind her I then, notice a scarlet streak through her black hair. I look around but, the old man is gone suddenly the girls eyes flick open she sits up slowly and swings her l*** over the side of the slab she smiles and then she is gone in the distance I hear a beeping which is gradually getting louder and then ...

I wake up smiling at the dream that visits me very so often to remind me of the day I was born into my new life which in some ways a burden and in most ways a blessing I think of the others, Tas, Star, Lilly and Belle my sister and my friends then I think of Nathaniel my affianced and Jane his dearest friend, the one who changed him and the sister he ever had. I glance at the clock and sigh” time to get ready for the day” I say to myself I walk towards the bathroom and turn the shower on, I undress and climb into the shower water running down my back like small hot pebbles. I reach for my Blood orange and lemon grass that sits on my aqua shower shelf I squeeze some onto my hand, wash myself and rinse off I step out of the shower quickly and dry off while thinking about what in have to do today I walk into my room the plush white carpet squishy beneath my feet. I open my large ebony dresser and rummage around till I find my black lace bra and matching panties I then found my fishnet stockings I put my under wear and stockings on I put them on and walked over to my wardrobe the same wood as the dresser I place my hand on the silver handles and open the doors and look at all my clothes. I pull out my black snakeskin short skirt and t**** high leather boots after throwing them on to my bed I rummage through my wardrobe until I find my red plunging v-neck sweater as I pulled it over my head I walked over to my bed I slip into my skirt and can’t help but smile at my 20,521 Salvatore ferragamo boots that Nathanial gave me. I slid down the banister and into the kitchen to find Belle making a passionfruit and mango smoothie and Nathaniel reading the Shadyside Gazette Jane, Nathanial’s assistant/best friend/creator was reading over his shoulder.
“Morning gorgeous” I said to Nathanial giving him a good morning k*** on the lips
“Good morning beautiful” he replied looking back towards his paper
“Honestly Jane why don’t you just buy your own paper instead of reading over Nathanial’s shoulder?” I asked turning to face her
“Because I can just read over Nathanial’s shoulder get the information without spending any mo...Oh...uh”
I didn’t hear what she said over the noise of glass shattering I turned and look at the kitchen window to see the glass all over the black tiled floor. I turned back around to find Jane on the floor a silver knife sticking out of her heart.

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Tags: Vampire

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Comment by Thorn Rayne Scarlett King on December 22, 2009 at 4:38pm
David don't be so bloody morbid.

Thank you to all who have commented. I have not worked on this story in a while
Comment by chloeann on December 22, 2009 at 1:06am
u know, i dont know which one is better, some of this one, and some of the other one, but both are awsome
Comment by Miko-Rhys on January 4, 2009 at 1:46am
i enjoyed it. Need to work a little on punctuation. Sorry, but i am an English Major and have seen some things you could work on. I hope you don't take it the wrong way. You use I too much. try being descriptive without using I so much. Then, work on meshing your sentences together so there aren't too many. It gets repetitive after a little while. Very detailed which I liked, cause I can visualize the room and what she is wearing.
Comment by Lost in the darkness. on January 1, 2009 at 9:39am
:D cool!
you have talent!
Comment by wolfgirl on January 1, 2009 at 8:15am
weird can't wait to find out what happens next o and i have one thing in common with the main chareter its that my boyfriend is also call Nathanial.
cool mabe you should call it "Dream Scapes"
Comment by Thorn Rayne Scarlett King on January 1, 2009 at 4:38am
part two tomorrow guys
Comment by Xx.DropDeadLissa.xX on December 31, 2008 at 9:58pm
wow tht story was awsum but i cant think of a good title but ill think bout it
Comment by Thorn Rayne Scarlett King on December 31, 2008 at 9:44pm
Thanks Shade
I realised i don't even know your name.
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IFLY2 Tonii
Comment by Toni on December 31, 2008 at 9:40pm
the end bit was sad but i know thats not the end of the story lol btw i love the story :)


ily Toni

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